So, today I had the pleasure of spending my afternoon in the chair at the dentist’s, painfully inhaling the disgusting dentist-office smell. You know…it sort of smells like sadness and fear. And teeth.
Anyways, my dentist has always sort of freaked me out. She has a very…intense…personality, and likes to have everything exactly her own way. Since my jaw has been messed up since I was about six, she’s been singlehandedly trying to force appliances on me, which has been a little nervewracking, since nearly every time I’ve seen her she’s told me that I Must Do This Thing To My Mouth, even though it totally contradicted what my orthodontist would say. This was necessarily intimidating.
Here now, are some lame things my dentist said to me today
“You need to toughen up your gums, they’re looking really tender.”
Oh gee, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I wasn’t allowed to feel pain when you STICK POINTY THINGS INTO MY FACE. I mean, seriously, you’re digging around in my mouth with a very very dangerous looking sharp metal pick, and you expect me to be all like, oh, nbd, I never feel pain because I am awesome?? Honestly, usually when I get poked with sharp things, I WINCE. Got it? That’s just how these things work. Don’t say that to me again the next time you stab me with a metal pick. I might bite you.
“Do you drink tea? Yes? Well, you need to drink it through a straw. It’s staining your teeth.”
Tea. Through. A. Straw. What is wrong with you….yes I realize you’re not a tea drinker, but if you’ve ever in your life drunk coffee or hot chocolate you must realize that it DOES NOT WORK THROUGH A STRAW. Tea through a straw is like trying to eat soup with a fork. It fails. Epicly. All the enjoyment is gone. You might as well have just told me to straight up stop drinking tea, although I’m sure those words were on the tip of your tongue.
For the record, I don’t plan on starting to drink tea through a straw. This is going to be one of those times when I ignore my dentist. Sue me.
“Don’t turn off the suction until you take it out of your mouth.”
This isn’t actually a dumb thing, its actually a really smart thing. She said it while wiping my face after I spewed pale green drool all over my chin. It was embarrassing.
“mmfummmfmfffheadmmghdfffmmaurghturnmmmghtrmedkmurf.”
Oh sorry, you want me to turn my head? I couldn’t hear you over all the scary dental noises. I don’t even know what direction you want me to turn in. Tilt my head up? Or down…wait, what? Please speak louder.
Then of course, while she was doing something to me, there was that epic incident where I thought I was going to die…see, she was using this machine that spewed a fine layer of mist in its path, and she was doing my top teeth…I think it was a stain removing somethingorother. Somehow the mist was spraying right up my nose, and I was like “Oh crap, I’m going to drown at the dentist, how sad is that” and I made a noise that to me perfectly summed up my feelings of “I’m drowning right now but if I make a really loud sound it might startle you and you might stab me again with the pointy metal whirring thing in my mouth and I don’t want that to happen so I hope you hear me before I drown”.
At any rate, they realized that what I was breathing in was mostly water, and either my dentist or dental hygienist had the totally brilliant idea that if they laid a kleenex over my nose, it would block the water and I would be able to resume the process of breathing. So, fears of drowning momentarily allayed, they continued on doing whatever it was they were doing, until it happened.
The kleenex got wet enough that it started sticking to my nose when I would breathe in, and I literally could not breathe. No air. At all. So I started to panic. What do I do? They’re working right in the way of my nose, so if I try to pull the kleenex off I won’t be able to reach it because they’re in the way, and then I’ll mess them up, and then it’ll get really bad.
But then I really really couldn’t breathe, and so I sort of wildly grasped at my nose and totally missed, but the dental hygienist got my drift, and pulled the kleenex free. This made things alright for about two breaths, and then it started sticking again, and I repeated the process. While this all was happening, I was wondering if they would have noticed if I had passed out, or would they have just kept on cleaning my teeth, while I slowly suffocated. The corpse would be growing cold, and all they would care about was the tea stains on my front teeth.
Then they removed the kleenex, and I heaved a literal sigh of relief.
Anywho, that was my day at the dentist.
It came after a crazy weekend involving NBYO, cool hipster rappers (yes, hipster rappers. It was a wee bit disconcerting at the first), and a totally embarrasing out of character incident that sort of happened in front of hundreds of people. I was reassured that this incident was not actually bad but actually sort of cool, however, I’m not posting what it was here. If you really want to know what it is, you’ll have to contact me personally in some way, and I will have to determine whether I can trust you before you can find out. Let it just be known that I was totally mortified. I realize that part of being a teen is embarrassing yourself in front of people, however, for most people it doesn’t happen in front of hundreds of people.
Then yesterday I played in a quartet in a wedding that went on. For. Ever. It was crazy. I had a ripping headache the whole time. When I got home I was so tired I cried. No reason for it. I was just so tired that I felt like crying. So I did. I then had a bubblebath and hot chocolate, and felt much better.
Anyhow, that was my day/weekend.
Happy almost Hunger Games everyone!
